| Just Drop It! |
 |
 |
 |
| Written by Footman |
| Monday, 12 April 2010 02:38 |
 I am not sure if it is simply anxiety, or if it's something a bit more complicated. I feel as though I often stumble when I come close to understanding it. It always seems to change when I get close to normalcy. Why does it always change? Can I ever be happy. Taoist one day, Buddhist the next. Maybe I'll be pagan this month, or maybe I'll be Catholic. Whatever it is that I set my mind upon, I do it. No hesitation, no planning. I spring forth full force into the depths of whatever it is. Is it boredom? Is it high expectations, or impatience? Why does religion have to be the defining attribute to my insanity? Why is it what always makes things difficult. I am fine with everything else, but I'm never fine with the way my spirituality is, it has to be better, fuller, more intense, less intense. Maybe I want to be a monk, but I don't like what they wear. Maybe I want to be a hippie, but the thought of being associated with drug addicts is revolting. Maybe I want to study Zen, but I don't care for the empty rituals that come along with it. Maybe I want to be Taoist but I hate the traditional outlook on Taoist practices. Maybe I want to be Christian, but I hate Christians. Why am I so freaking stubborn?What is it about me that keeps my head pounding? Why does the very thought of going to church make me sick? Why does religion have to exist? Why do the walls keep smashing my head back and forth between them. I don't want this, I can't do this. The sky is blue some days, some days it's white. Right now it is yellow, and tonight it will be black. It seems to be perfectly okay for the sky to change it's colors so often, why can't I? Am I not as important as the sky, or perhaps I'm supposed to be more important? When the sky pours down rain and causes floods, no one gets mad at the sky. When it blows it's winds and causes hurricanes and tornadoes, no one holds the sky accountable.  So what is it that I believe? What is it that becomes the brick and mortar of my spirituality? A wise priest once told me that we are given free will not to use it to make good choices, but to freely give it up. What does this mean to give up our free will? I suppose it is the same as the Taoist concept of Wu Wei. And in the process of giving up our free will, we recognize our “P'u”, or true nature. Maybe that's why the sky can change so often, and is never accountable? For it has given up its free will, and in so doing, has become its true essence. I suppose this can be said of all things, save man. A tree is a tree, a frog a frog. So why does man have such a hard time giving up their free will? Some probably think they do, but I suppose doing things in the name of “the lord”, or “allah”, or “jehovah”, etc... is not it, those have completely missed the point. What is the point? To choose between opinions is not giving up free will, but using it. To be a Christian is a choice, to be a Taoist is a choice, to be a Buddhist is a choice. This is all wrong. One must not choose anything, one must... let go and be. What is it that one will then be? I don't know, I cannot know the true essence of another being. But as I am not the same as my neighbor, I doubt my true essence will be either. Or... is it simply that we are the same, but we don't realize it until we let go of our free will, drop our Ego, drop our attachments, and stand naked. Naked with no books, no jewelry, no statues, no opinions, no preconceived notions, no baggage.What would you look like then? Would you even recognize yourself? Would you be scared of what you saw? Or would you finally be satisfied? This will be my path, not the path of Christianity, not the path of Buddhism, not the path of Taoism, not the path of Hinduism, Unitarian Universalism, Islam, Shinto, Pagan, Wicca, Judaism, etc... Dropped. Dropped. Dropped. Dropped.... Am I naked yet? |
| Last Updated on Monday, 12 April 2010 02:54 |